The best suggestion wins a cake
I have decided that I need to see Brazil. Chakkers said it's good, and I realised that after idly chatting to an American tourist on the Amsterdam-Paris train last week who turned out to be 60s blues singer Geoff Muldaur, that I have now met its lead male, one of the supporting cast, and the writer of the theme music. Not something I can say about many fillums, and as good an excuse as any to watch it, really.
Meanwhile I was called upon this weekend to accompany a French beginners' improvising class in their first performance, at a little theatre in the 12th. The problem is that a combination of 1. spending far too much time in A-level English messing about with word games, obscure grammatical formulae such as zeugma and syllepsis, or ridiculous over-interpretation of text, and not paying any attention to the teacher whatsoever beyond checking which book you were supposedly studying in that lesson in order to have it placed smartly in front of you on the desk (I heartily recommend this course of action - it got me, and several classmates, an A), 2. regularly reading James Richardson's Italian football reports, and their abundant use of ludicrously elaborate similes, in the Guardian, 3. having a mind that does occasionally wander during impro performances, 4. there being several comely young French maidens on stage on Saturday afternoon (this is perhaps not unrelated to point 3.), and 5. knowing that I was meeting up with Beave in the pub afterwards and that 90% of his sentences would begin "I was at [ x ] today and there was this well fit bird," provoked the realisation that I needed to stock up on some new similes - in this particular case to express relative hotness - otherwise conversation could get a little repetitive.* So, basically, I am calling on you to be creative: I need different ways to fill in the gap, "she is as hot as a ________".
The first two pages of a Google search for "she's as hot as a" offers:
"...flame" (Aerosmith - far too formulaic)
"...two dollar pistol" (Your Choice, Quality Adult Erotica - meaningless, and not even erotic)
"...Mexican stop sign" (poster on ryanadams.org - creative, if not totally coherent)
"...cowgirl riding bare-back bucknaked in the middle of july!" (rezfox.com Native Online Dating - trying far too hard, and special minus points for the redundant exclamation mark)
"...chilli pepper that's been smothered in curry sauce and microwaved for ten minutes." (rottentomatoes.com Forums - a reasonable effort, although something more succinct would be preferable)
Girls (+ liberals and homosexuals**) can join in too, just replace the "she" with a "he". And let your creative juices flow. Knowing you lot, you will either post about something completely different, or not comment at all.
* New record long sentence on Timberblog.
** This is a reference. To something most of you won't have heard. So it's probably a bad reference.***
*** Oh dear. This is also a reference.
4 Comments:
Did you get my e-mail? I sent you all the Google answers.
Yes... I was looking more for any original ideas. Or good ones you'd heard somewhere.
...but obviously people aren't very creative at this time of year.
Or they can't handle the mass Timberblog exposure.
(Bang goes my idea for a whole series of simile research articles. My vocabulary remains unriched and if I now go on to bore people at parties then it's everyone else's fault but my own.)
Erm, it's not that cherry cake is it? The problem with this challenge is that I've just thought of several similes that fall under the categories of (i) nauseating (ii) geeky (iii) disturbed. I suppose some might say that's me down to a T...
i. She's as hot as a phoenix
ii. She's as hot as a subatomic ion in a Rutherford-Higgs reaction
iii. She's as hot as a chap boiling to death in a deep-fat fryer
I'm reminded (largely because I watched it this evening) of the Blackadder episode "Bells", towards the end of which Lord Flasheart declares, "I'VE GOT A PLAN... AND IT'S AS HOT AS MY PANTS."
(and yes, he does shout it in capital letters)
But I'm not sure if "she's as hot as my pants" really works...
And no Chakkers, it's not that cherry cake, I ate that in 2002.
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